The Brutal Truth About Sharing A House

I have written previously about how backpackers are like students. Well I’m just going to elaborate. I think backpackers are worse than students. 

Sure there are lots of weird and wonderful benefits to having housemates but also, it can be fucking horrendous.

There’s a sense of freedom coming travelling similar to that of becoming a student. You feel like the world is your oyster, you have responsibility, independence and absolutely nobody judges you. 

Now I’m not sure why, but this leads students and backpackers to forget to clean and practise general hygiene (sometimes personal hygiene). People say students are dirty because Mummy and Daddy have done their laundry for 18-22 years and they’ve never had to clean a toilet before but personally I think that’s bullshit. My parents did everything for me up until I left for university at the age of 19 and I still knew how to empty a bin and sweep the floor, Jesus I was pro after three years.

I do understand that most 18-30 year olds aren’t as domesticated as I am but I was never forced to do household chores or anything, so I’m really not sure where my mild case of OCD has come from. At university, I gave my fellow students the benefit of the doubt and put it down to a lack of domesticated experience (due to living at the Grand Hotel of Mum & Dad) but travelling I was sure that people would have grown out of it. How fucking wrong I was. 

A couple of my pet hates:

  1. Men shaving over the sink and not cleaning it afterwards
  2. Women filling the bathroom toilet to the brim with sanitary products and not having the decency to empty it
  3. Using a tea towel (that you use to dry clean pots and pans with) like it’s a piece of kitchen roll
  4. Using the dish cloth (that you clean dirty pots with) to wipe up floor spills like it’s a piece of kitchen roll
  5. Shoes fucking everywhere
  6. Piss on the toilet seat and/or floor
  7. The toilet roll being finished but not replaced (resulting in you having to shake it off like Taylor Swift) 
  8. Empty deodorants/toiletry bottles that sit in the bathroom for weeks on end
  9. Bin jenga
  10. Recycling bin jenga
  11. Using the dining table as a storage unit
  12. Not using the toilet brush
  13. Using the toilet brush before flushing the toilet leaving the toilet brush covered in toilet paper

So a couple turned into like 13 but believe you me, I could go on and on and on. (My housemates store their toothbrushes on the bathroom work top too, that fucking grosses me out. How could you put that in your mouth after it’s been laid next to the Bryl cream and 5 pubic hairs. It really is alien to me.)

Now the cleanliness quite clearly bothers me a little bit. Just a little. But what is really driving me low at the minute is my housemates sex life. 

Luckily she’s on the blob at the moment (hence the bathroom bin comment) so they haven’t been at it the last few nights. Previous to her monthly gift from Mother Nature however, they were bonking like rabbits. Now I live in a very old house made from wood, I’ve ate bacon thicker than the wall that separates the horny housemates and I and at the minute it feels like I too, have a sex life. The whole house, including my bed, shakes during their bedtime activities. I can hear every little noise, even that little slapping sound it makes when it’s hot and sweaty. She’s like a little screeching piglet when she moans too. 

The whole experience is hideous on so many levels.

Some nights I get two rounds which as you can probably imagine is lovely stuff for a 3.30am alarm. Surely they know I can hear? I cough back at them just to make them aware that I’m still here. They don’t stop.

I may as well be in bed with them when he climaxes. 

Now needless to say going to university and living with 7 girls meant there was the odd thing that went bump in the night but never in my life, not even living in and out of hostels have I heard anything like this. 

So it goes without saying that if I wasn’t already counting down the days until I leave Gatton, I certainly am now. 

The honeymooners have treat themselves to a night at a hotel tonight and I’ve got a 5.30am alarm as opposed to 3.30am, so I’m off to sleep like a fucking baby. 

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